Episode Forty-Eight: We Should Talk About Something That’s Not Rivers

This is not a Frozen podcast… or is it? Whatever; it’s gay children with dead parents, magic powers, and tons of trauma from top to bottom as we tackle Animorphs book thirty, The Reunion. Do you wanna break a Yeerk pool? C’mon let’s go and play~!
In addition to loving Marco with our whole hearts, we also discuss: Marco’s Modern Memes, TobIphone S, I Hate The Sploots So Much, If Elevators Were Vacuums Would Everyone Be Better At Parkour, Most Iconic Rivers To Throw Yourself Into, and Laser Noises Are Not Threatening

Episode Forty-Seven: I’d Like To Go On Record As Saying George Washington Is Not My Daddy


It’s about that TIME to figure out if you can keep a SECRET. Elfangor’s secret! In honour of this episode being shorter than usual, so is the amount of effort I’m going to spend on this description. If you hate it so much, why not go kill my goddamn grandpa so I’m never even ON this podcast? Fuck you. The book is MegaMorphs Three: Elfangor’s Secret. I said it already! Up top!! Whatever. I’m the version of me from the bad timeline where you killed my grandpa’s neighbour who was just in there trying to water my grandpa’s plants and that’s why I’m sooo rude. Meet me in the construction zone beside the mall where all the technology is buried and fight me to the death if it bothers you so much. I will NOT be giving you superpowers. Only super glowers. From glaring at you rudely. I’m using “I” instead of “we” but you’ll never know who it is! Maybe I’m your secret space dad!!!!! Fight all of us!!!!!!!!!!!! I dare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In addition to sort of just deciding this isn’t even really an Animorphs book, we discuss: Prozzäk, “Need A Band-Aid, Babe?” But Unironically, Did Harriet Jones Utilise Girl Power When She Did A Genocide?

Further reading: The story of Simon and Milo

Episode Forty-Six: Okay, I’m Going To Do A Naruto

Just because someone is absolutely one hundred percent guaranteed by the stars to kill one of your co-hosts is no reason not to stan. It’s a Cassie book, which means a lot of fumbling through trying to process the philosophical core of the Animorphs series. Also, eels! Join three people who have grown so ancient & wizened that they can no longer handle your standard iced tea to discuss this sweet treat of a book, number 29, The Sickness. Ooh ah ah ah.
In addition to moral complexity of alien species, we discuss: No Jokes 2K19, Licensed Fast Food Toys, and A Homestuck Tangent

Episode Forty-Five: Wait. You Guys. Andalite Vampires Would Kick You


A heart-wrenching book about animal experimentation and factory farming somehow results in an episode that gets randy’n’rowdy by the middle of the intro. Don’t ask us how, but the energy just goes up from there. It’s Animorphs book 28, The Experiment, and we’re asking the tough questions: what if literally no-one can read???

In addition to having perhaps too-high expectations of the philosophical centre of a children’s book, we discuss: We Don’t Know The Upper Bounds Of How Many Hands Visser 3 Has, One Single Framed Photo Of Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, Selfish Extreme Home Makeover Host, Desperate Housewives Is Actually Good, Riverdale Tangent

Referenced media: Fluffy Ax drawing, little brown bird!!!, the history of traffic lights

Episode Forty-Three: Real Time Owl Memes

Can someone, for the love of god, get these kids some therapy? Jake had a living, thinking being die in his head and now the fucking eye of Sauron is visiting him in his dreams. It’s book twenty-six, The Attack, and they don’t even get to enjoy the touring stage production of The Lion King that came to their school before the Ellimist sends them off to play team deathmatch for the fate of a species. Also, Erek is here! Or, at least, he was; there’s a wall standing in his place now.
In addition to hyping up the transformative power of love, we also offered some opinions on Let Cassie Say Fuck, Biggest Death Metal Scream, Jake Pulls Rank, Rock Facts!, Satah crying at a spoonthe great new owl meme, and Blair’s Shipping Ph.D!

Episode Forty-Two: In The World Where Mermaids Are Real You Might Have Been Born A Mermaid


This episode got lost in the snowy tundra for three weeks, where it repeatedly almost died of hypothermia before morphing back to its original form and then morphing back to let itself almost die again. Uh-oh! Luckily, it survived. In this very scattered episode, we read Animorphs book 25: The Extreme. The Yeerks of being incredibly tired and giggly have infected all of us and it’s fine, it’s fine, we’re fine.

In addition to spending one of our hours discussing this, we also cover: Finally Sara Is Going To Decapitate Her Co-hosts, We Are All Gamecube, WHO IS THIS DOG?, It’s Always Blair’s Birthday, The Fuck-Off Ship Is What They Call It In Andalite, and Marco Is NOT A Cool Divorce Dad

EPISODE 121: Winchester: The House That Ghosts Built


Sara has her fingers in many devious soups, so cohost-from-another-podcast Satah has stepped in with Blair to talk about this movie that is nearly as inscrutable as the house it’s based off of! Explore this house disappointingly vacant of any kind of actual atmosphere are we discuss topics such as The Podcast That Pink Lemonade Vodka Built, Dr. Deadwifeman, Poison Marketing, Absolute Champion Hellen Mirren, and MORE!

Thank you as always to Satah for our intro an outro music! You can find more of their work at http://gaygothvibes.online!

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Episode Forty-One: DNA Is Literally Stored In The Balls


After a month sailing the far-reaching seas of the Chronicles, we’re returning to the main series and, thank goodness, the main drive of this entire show: rap battle brackets. Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms melting into the form of wings, oh god, oh god, the noise of it. The crunching and churning. Oh god, oh god. It’s book 24 The Suspicion, and the kids are on a mission. We use our full cognition to determine their positions in the… aforementioned bracket. Listen, if anything rhymed with “Animorphs”, I would have gone there first,

In addition to breezing slap-happily over some 60s-ass aliens, we discuss A Grilled Cheese Devastation, Orsonwatch, Shrink Story Biases, We Know How Blair Feels About Whales, A Snow Globe Inside An Asylum Inside Of A Dream, Seerow Is An Uncle To Us All, You Have To Understand Satah That’s Not Real Science, and Here’s The Thing

Episode Forty: Modern Sci-fi Is All Dystopia Teens


Sit down with me, little bird, & let me tell you a story about how a series about the horrors of war somehow becomes even warrier & more horrific. It’s The Hork-Bajir Chronicles, and it’s just upsetting. Let’s get real sad about it!

If you need a pick-me-up, think about the last episode and check out this amazing canon image of a canon event. Remember how fun that was???

In addition to being generally kinda bummered about, like, war & stuff, we discussed: Yeerk Sexual Dimorphism, Cry Button Songs, Esplin, Turns Out The Yeerks Suck, Never Be Punctual Or You Might Get Killed In Front Of Your Kid, Esplin, “I Replaced Some Of The Lyrics To No Children With ‘Wakka Wakka’”, Bird Insurance (For Birds), and Esplin