Episode Fifty: Orange Julius Is The Illuminati


If you see a less caffeinated version of this episode walking around, let us know so we can join forces. Until then, let me introduce you to the evil (?) twin: a full hour of someone audibly using a fidget spinner kicked off by someone else saying “Teens Lit AF”. It’s Animorphs book 32, The Separation, and the hosts are… of two minds about it. Bwomp bwooooomp

In addition to a truly iconic cover, we discuss: I’ve Become Superhuman For Finding Fucking Ingredients, Rachel’s Astrological Chart, Orange Julius Androids, and Gut Check

Referenced media: We Fooled The Internet w/ Fake Justin Bieber Photo, Mystify Your Mind screensaver

Episode Forty-Nine: Beatrix Potter Characters Don’t Real; Cryptids Might Real

It’s a sleepy pod, baby! Cuddle on in for some relaxing bedtime discussion of Animorphs book thirty-one, The Conspiracy. Note: in this case, we assume that you prefer your lullabies to be full of children experiencing trauma.
In addition to parents constantly being in peril, we discuss: 2b28, Ow My Baby Hand, Tiger Tiddies, Transgenderism Is Lit, and Beatrix Potter Knows Something We Don’t Know

Episode Forty-Eight: We Should Talk About Something That’s Not Rivers

This is not a Frozen podcast… or is it? Whatever; it’s gay children with dead parents, magic powers, and tons of trauma from top to bottom as we tackle Animorphs book thirty, The Reunion. Do you wanna break a Yeerk pool? C’mon let’s go and play~!
In addition to loving Marco with our whole hearts, we also discuss: Marco’s Modern Memes, TobIphone S, I Hate The Sploots So Much, If Elevators Were Vacuums Would Everyone Be Better At Parkour, Most Iconic Rivers To Throw Yourself Into, and Laser Noises Are Not Threatening

Episode Forty-Seven: I’d Like To Go On Record As Saying George Washington Is Not My Daddy


It’s about that TIME to figure out if you can keep a SECRET. Elfangor’s secret! In honour of this episode being shorter than usual, so is the amount of effort I’m going to spend on this description. If you hate it so much, why not go kill my goddamn grandpa so I’m never even ON this podcast? Fuck you. The book is MegaMorphs Three: Elfangor’s Secret. I said it already! Up top!! Whatever. I’m the version of me from the bad timeline where you killed my grandpa’s neighbour who was just in there trying to water my grandpa’s plants and that’s why I’m sooo rude. Meet me in the construction zone beside the mall where all the technology is buried and fight me to the death if it bothers you so much. I will NOT be giving you superpowers. Only super glowers. From glaring at you rudely. I’m using “I” instead of “we” but you’ll never know who it is! Maybe I’m your secret space dad!!!!! Fight all of us!!!!!!!!!!!! I dare you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In addition to sort of just deciding this isn’t even really an Animorphs book, we discuss: Prozzäk, “Need A Band-Aid, Babe?” But Unironically, Did Harriet Jones Utilise Girl Power When She Did A Genocide?

Further reading: The story of Simon and Milo

Episode Forty-Six: Okay, I’m Going To Do A Naruto

Just because someone is absolutely one hundred percent guaranteed by the stars to kill one of your co-hosts is no reason not to stan. It’s a Cassie book, which means a lot of fumbling through trying to process the philosophical core of the Animorphs series. Also, eels! Join three people who have grown so ancient & wizened that they can no longer handle your standard iced tea to discuss this sweet treat of a book, number 29, The Sickness. Ooh ah ah ah.
In addition to moral complexity of alien species, we discuss: No Jokes 2K19, Licensed Fast Food Toys, and A Homestuck Tangent

Episode Forty-Five: Wait. You Guys. Andalite Vampires Would Kick You


A heart-wrenching book about animal experimentation and factory farming somehow results in an episode that gets randy’n’rowdy by the middle of the intro. Don’t ask us how, but the energy just goes up from there. It’s Animorphs book 28, The Experiment, and we’re asking the tough questions: what if literally no-one can read???

In addition to having perhaps too-high expectations of the philosophical centre of a children’s book, we discuss: We Don’t Know The Upper Bounds Of How Many Hands Visser 3 Has, One Single Framed Photo Of Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, Selfish Extreme Home Makeover Host, Desperate Housewives Is Actually Good, Riverdale Tangent

Referenced media: Fluffy Ax drawing, little brown bird!!!, the history of traffic lights

BONUS EPISODE: Setting the Record Queerk, with Alexis and Kaylee!


On this week’s episode of Setting the Record Queer, I sat down w- wait, no, that’s not quite right. Join Sara as she engages in a crossover event with the hosts of Setting the Record Queer! Join us as we watch Not My Problem, defend the prequels, and find out just how much the average person knows about Animorphs! Spoiler: it’s really not that much.

Thank you so much to Alexis (@princessproto) and Kaylee (@witchs_hex) for coming on the show! To find their show, please check out settingtherecordqueer.com!

Support us on Patreon!

Episode Forty-Three: Real Time Owl Memes

Can someone, for the love of god, get these kids some therapy? Jake had a living, thinking being die in his head and now the fucking eye of Sauron is visiting him in his dreams. It’s book twenty-six, The Attack, and they don’t even get to enjoy the touring stage production of The Lion King that came to their school before the Ellimist sends them off to play team deathmatch for the fate of a species. Also, Erek is here! Or, at least, he was; there’s a wall standing in his place now.
In addition to hyping up the transformative power of love, we also offered some opinions on Let Cassie Say Fuck, Biggest Death Metal Scream, Jake Pulls Rank, Rock Facts!, Satah crying at a spoonthe great new owl meme, and Blair’s Shipping Ph.D!

Episode Forty-Two: In The World Where Mermaids Are Real You Might Have Been Born A Mermaid


This episode got lost in the snowy tundra for three weeks, where it repeatedly almost died of hypothermia before morphing back to its original form and then morphing back to let itself almost die again. Uh-oh! Luckily, it survived. In this very scattered episode, we read Animorphs book 25: The Extreme. The Yeerks of being incredibly tired and giggly have infected all of us and it’s fine, it’s fine, we’re fine.

In addition to spending one of our hours discussing this, we also cover: Finally Sara Is Going To Decapitate Her Co-hosts, We Are All Gamecube, WHO IS THIS DOG?, It’s Always Blair’s Birthday, The Fuck-Off Ship Is What They Call It In Andalite, and Marco Is NOT A Cool Divorce Dad