Teens, we’re really in the home stretch now! It’s S05E16, “Shiny and New”, and we’re sick of it! We’ve had it! This show is so boring and we have to watch eight more episodes of it! It sucks! That’s it! This week, Brenda didn’t write the episode, but that doesn’t make it any more palatable. Thanks for nothing, Brenda!
Happy new year! We’re back in a brand new decade, but the show is the same as ever. We’re talking about S05E15, “Untying the Knot,” a very boring episode that neither of us wanted to watch. Everyone is on the phone, talking about marriage certificates and custody battles, until they get mad and hang up without saying goodbye. Let’s see, what else? Uhhhhh… I guess that’s it? Exciting stuff! This week, we’re begging for a new therapist. Come back, Mrs. Gully!
Hey, remember when Jack woke up from his coma on Christmas Eve, proving that God and miracles are real? Well, this week we’re discussing S05E14, “It’s a Miracle”, and now we’re all very skeptical of those things. Can you imagine believing in miracles? What a stupid show that would have to be! We’re all about science and reason here on Secret Life. This week, we’re issuing a correction on a previous statement of ours regarding David Johnson. You do not, under any circumstances, “gotta hand Roboruto to him.”
Good news for people who hate Amy: it’s S05E13, “To Each Her Own”, and she’s finally getting taken down a peg. Amy’s got her wedding dress, and we all hate it! Meanwhile, Ethan is being extremely normal and teaching the teen viewers good lessons. Meanwhile meanwhile, David is being extremely normal, but unironically? I think? Do we like David? This week, we’re referencing Miss Havisham again. I’m sure it will land this time!
Scrooges rejoice! It’s finally time for S05E12, “Hedy’s Happy Holiday House”, AKA the Secret Life Christmas Episode, and we’ve got fellow Christmas fan Roy back on the show to help us celebrate. We’re Jewish and mad, and it’s all Brenda’s fault. The War on Christmas is real, and it’s here in the studio tonight. This week, it turns out Santa is real. Sure, why not?
Live from Arizona the day after Thanksgiving, the boys are here in the same room trying to avoid eye contact while discussing S05E11, “Half Over”! Sam forgot to bring his notes but that’s okay, because Jordan has his and they’re moderately legible. Jack’s life hangs in the balance, but who cares about that when Ethan is being Ben 3.0? Anyway, I think that’s pretty much it. I think that’s basically everything that happens in this one. This week, you’ll never guess who’s back… it’s Tammy!
Content warning: this episode again deals with the topic of child sex trafficking. Although much less often and much less directly than last week, there is still some distasteful stuff that you might not enjoy to hear. Thanks Brenda! It’s S05E10, “Regrets”, and boy do we have a few of those. Thank god we have a funny posting grandma to help us through these trying times. This week, there’s a new town in town. Here comes Sherman!
Content warning: this episode, for some reason, deals with the topic of child sex trafficking, and is handled as well as you would expect from Brenda Hampton. If you don’t want to hear about that, and about what she thinks of sex work in general, this is an episode to skip! Unfortunately, friend of the show Val (who we promise did not know what the episode was about before picking to be on this week) has joined us once again for S05E09, “Property Not for Sale”! Do you get it?! This week, we can’t wait to enjoy another regular day in Small-Town LA. And now to take a big sip of coffee and look at the newspaper!
What can I say about S05E08, “Settings Things Straight,” that the title doesn’t say for me? If you thought we were done with this awful storyline, you were underestimating just how much Brenda resents Shailene. At least now it’s finally truly over and done, right? Right? This week, we’re revolutionizing the Arizona diarrhea game. It’s… intriguing.
Happy November! We’re coming at you from the past for a spooky scary Halloween episode of Juergen’ It, talking about S05E07, “Girlfriends”! It’s season 5 of this teen drama, just about time for an episode about bullying! That’s what this episode is about, right? Meanwhile, we’re saying goodbye to the character of Henry Miller, and welcoming new cast member Hank Melar. What a cool guy! This week, we’ve got a very special little guy we’d like you to meet. It’s Jack!